On Frail Wings 006

I closed my eyes and tried to soak in the feeling of being held by Ashley. His heart is so cold and caged. I don't even know if he knows how to feel or love another person anymore. I think it's gotten to the point that he just has sex and nothing else.

There's no emotions no connection. Just sex. That's no way to live life, is it? We're so different, I feel too much and love to easy. He doesn't feel enough and shuts love out. This is why he hates me I guess.

I wish that we could be friends, at the least. I wish that because I know the other is impossible. He could never love someone like me even if he could. I looked up at him, his caramel eyes looked off into the distance.

I wonder what he's thinking.

I snuggled into his chest, feeling his compassion starting to wear off. I wasn't ready to let go of it yet, just a few more minutes. I'm feeling myself coming down from this high, both the drugs and booze, and now his high.

Tears started to form in my eyes again, I say I hate him, but I don't. I love him, I love him so much that I have to hate him. Ashley's strong hand cradled my face, and wiped away the new tears, yet his eyes still looked vacantly off into the distance.

I let out a pained sigh, my head was starting to hurt worse, one from all the crying and two the dreaded hang over that I know is coming my way.

I know for a fact though, that if anyone else was in this bus right now, he'd be the same asshole is normally is. Maybe it's just when he's alone that he even pretends to care. What is so afraid off? Why is he scared that if he shows the slightest bit of kindness in the face of others that he'll be shunned.

I could hear Jinxx and CC's laughter as they approached the bus. They stopped outside the door for a second.

"Can you get off me now?" Ashley's cold voice asked. Just like I thought, as soon as someone else is close, he'll push me away.

I tried my best not to cry as I stood up and took my place on the empty couch. Ashley sighed, repositioning himself in a laying position as the two walked in. CC looked over at me and shot me a worried look.

"What's wrong Andy?"
"He's retarded and got drunk not to mention high, and now he's paying the price" Ashley spoke for me.

"Ash be nice" Jinxx warned, popping the lid of a Pepsi.

"Why?"
"Because he's our band mate and we're getting tired of you two fighting all the time" CC added.

"Is it my fault that he's a little bitch?" That was it. I'm not going to sit her and listen to all this shit. I gave one last pleading look to Ash before running out of the bus.

He's so fucking hot and cold. I don't know which side is real. I'm tired of playing this game with him. The sad part is that even if I say that now, if he were to run out here and apologize I would forgive him for everything and gladly go back into his arms.

Maybe he's right, maybe I am stupid.

"There you are" Matt called after me. I looked up at him through tear stained eyes. His smile faded to concern when he saw me.

"Whoa, what's wrong?"
"A-Ashley an asshole"
"Yeah, and? I thought you knew that"
"I do, it's just,... never mind" I sighed.

"No, tell me"
"Matt, it's nothing really, just drop it" he took the hint and quit asking about it.

"Are you feeling okay, you look a little pale?"
"I'm just feeling sick, that's all" I said not wanting to explain that I'd been drinking. Matt didn't need to worry about me.

And I didn't want his lecture too.