This Is Our Sweet Blasphemy 024

For the next two or three days things were great. I was still a bit on edge about the fact that Kina had possibly over heard what I was talking about with Scout, but so far there was no sign that she'd told anyone. Or that she even cared to do so.

I was a bit upset though, Ashley couldn't take me to school today, so I had to drive myself for the first time in what felt like decades. It wasn't his fault though, he said that coach wanted to have an early morning meeting with the team today. They have a game after school today and they needed to review their plays apparently.

It was a bit weird, they've never done this before and the team they're playing tonight is by no means a threat, but oh well.

I picked at the eraser on my pencil while my English teacher ranted and raved about the new book we'd be reading. She was way too excited over it, I don't even know the title of it. She keeps waving it around so much.

Oh well, I won't be reading it anyways, if I'm in luck it'll be a movie already and I'll just go watch that, get a C on the final and call that a win. If all else failed I could just go look up foot notes on it. Carefully I slipped my phone out of my pocket.

There was one missed text, I entered my pass-code and clicked on the alert. It was from Ashley, I didn't smile though. The message actually made my stomach drop.

Ashley: Can I talk to you?...

It was those three dots. Anytime someone puts three dots after what they say, it's never something good. Those dots mean that there is something wrong, and you're the cause of that something. That simple passive aggressive way of saying "you better find out what you fucked up, because I did".

Andy: Where r u?
Ashley: 500 building

That's actually where I am right now. I looked up at the clock, class would be out in ten minutes. I don't want to wait that long, my nerves are already driving me insane and it hasn't even been a full minute.

Andy: Can you meet me by the door in a few minutes?
Ashley: I can try to get out of class, yeah

I raised my hand and did my best to put on a "sick" face. My teacher's face lite up, I think she thought that I was actually showing interest in this god forsaken book.

"Um... my stomach hurts can I go to the nurse?" he face fell but she nodded. Stupid teacher, did she really think I'd be interested in this shit? I grabbed my book bag and stuff my notebook into it as quickly as I could before leaving.

Ashley was standing by the door, and the expression on his face made my heart start to race and my palms start to sweat. This doesn't look too good. Maybe there's just something wrong with him or the team or something like that. I know that's selfish, but the other thing it could be would kill me.

Maybe he found out that I told? What if Kina had told him that I'd told?! I can't handle that. I can't lose him. No, I've got to calm down, it could be nothing, I'm over thinking things. I slowly approached Ashley. He bit his lip, not looking up at me.

"Um... Ash?" I said, stopping right before I got to him. He was tapping his foot nervously and when he looked up he looked almost torn. Like he didn't want to do what he was about to do.

"Come on, let's go talk" he said, opening the door and walking out. I followed at a safe distance behind him, in case anyone saw us. He lead me all the way out past the school buildings to behind the football fields.

I was out of breath by the time we got back there, damn smoking. Ashley sighed and leaned back on the metal fence.

"Baby... what's wrong?" I asked, lacing our fingers together. He pulled his hand back though and ran it through his hair. I inched back a bit.

"Andy..."
"No... please don't do this" I said, feeling a lump form in my throat. I could feel what was about to happen.

"Andy listen to me please" he said, finally looking me in the eyes. I was shaking now, trying my hardest not to break down and cry.

"W-What?" my voice shook.

"I'm so so sorry, I shouldn't have done this with you. But... I just can't do this anymore this isn't right. I can't keep hiding and worrying about being found out and I'm sorry but I don't think our feelings are exactly the same for each other" the last part hit me like a blow to the gut.

I could understand the nerves of being found out, but the not feeling the same way? After all I've done with him, after what he means to me?! That I can't handle.

A tear slid down my cheek as I lost control over my emotions and started to cry.
"Ashley please..."

"Andy I'm sorry"
"But... I love you" I finally said the words seeming to sting as they left my lips.

"No... you can't love me because you don't fucking know me!" he said, his voice raising. He pulled at his hair and paced back and forth in front of me. Why is he acting this way, if he's dumping me then shouldn't he be happy?!

"I do know you!"
"NO! You don't! You don't know a damn thing about me, you just know what I want you to know don't you see that!"
"Then teach me, show me the real you!" I screamed at him.

He grabbed my shoulder and looked me dead in the eyes.
"We're over, don't talk to me again, don't text me, don't look at me"

A mix between anger and sadness was building in me as more tears started to fall down my face. How could he do this to me? I thought he really wanted me, I thought finally I meant something to someone. Although here it is, the proof.

I'm just not good enough. Who knows what it is, am I not smart enough? Hot enough? Thin enough? Good enough? No.

"Fuck you!" I yelled in his face, pushing him off me.

"After all I did for you! After all you did to me! How could you do this to me?!"
"Sorry Andy, but just because you lose your virginity to someone doesn't mean they'll stay forever, I think you're a bit smarter than that" he said before turning to walk away.

My heart felt like it was in a million pieces, and with each step away from me that he took it broke a little more. The best thing in my life had just walked out, abandoned me and broken me. I'd let him in, I'd let him get close and he'd killed me.

I fell to my knees, letting out a painful sob. I just want to end it, I don't want to live anymore. I can't do this, I can't go on without him. He's my life.

I felt a cool hand on my back and the familiar scent of a burning cigarette. I looked up and there he was, biting his lip in concern, his choppy honey brown hair, falling over his face.

"Go away Matt..." I said, turning away from him.

"Andy... um I heard yelling... and then I saw... him walking away..." shit, so now he knows. Oh well doesn't matter anymore anyways.

"Doesn't matter anymore..."
"I can't believe he'd do that to you"
"I should have seen it coming"

Matt sat down beside me and brushed my hair back out of my face. I'm so desperate for love and someone, anyone really, right now that I let him pull me into his lap.

"Is it really true?"
"Is what?" I sighed, trying to get my breathing under control.

"Well I heard you say something about what you gave up? Please tell me that you didn't..."
"No... I did" I said, looking down.

Matt clenched his fist tight before letting it go. I know how he feels about me, and I'm sure that it hurts him to know that, but it's the truth. I'm just an easy whore.

"I'm so sorry Andy" he said, wrapping his arms tightly around me. I closed my eyes, burring my face in his shoulder again. He rubbed my back gently and just held me there for a good thirty more minutes.

He offered to take me home, but I told him that'd I'd be fine to drive myself. It was a lie, I was far from fine but I can manage the ten minutes it takes to get home. He promised to call me later and he'd talk to me as long as I needed.

I might take him up on that later. Right now I just want to go home and lay in bed, fall asleep and never wake up again. This is hell, and I just bought a one way ticket to it. There's no escaping this agony.

Later that night I'd find out, our team lost the game that night.